Let Me Be an Asshole: The Relationship Lesson That Changed Everything

When I first started dating my husband, I noticed something early on: he hated the idea of disappointing me. On the surface, it sounds sweet, right? But in practice, it created tension. He’d go out of his way to avoid upsetting me—even if it meant waiting until the last minute to tell me something I needed to know. And guess what? That approach led to more disappointment. It caused fights and put unnecessary strain on our budding relationship.

One day, I decided to confront this pattern head-on. I told him, “Let me be an asshole.”

No, I wasn’t giving myself permission to be cruel or unreasonable. What I meant was this:

Disappoint me. Let me show you how I react. Let me show you who I am when I’m upset or frustrated. Don’t shield me from disappointment just because you’re afraid of my reaction. If we’re going to build something real, you need to know how I handle difficult emotions. And if I can’t handle them in a healthy way, then we’ve learned something valuable about whether we’re truly right for each other.

The Turning Point

When I explained this, something clicked for both of us. He took a leap of faith and started being more open—even when it meant telling me things I might not want to hear. And you know what? When he let me “be an asshole,” I wasn’t one. I showed him that I could feel disappointed without being cruel. I could feel angry without being hurtful. Instead of spiraling into blame or resentment, we focused on figuring things out together.

That process gave us both the security we needed to grow. He learned he didn’t have to walk on eggshells, and I learned that I could handle my emotions in a way that strengthened our connection rather than tearing it down.

The Lesson: Find Out Early

When you’re in the early stages of a relationship, it’s so tempting to gloss over potential issues. We hide parts of ourselves or avoid hard conversations because we’re afraid of how the other person might react. But here’s the thing: avoiding the truth only delays the inevitable.

I say, find out early. Let your person “be an asshole,” and take that information to decide whether this relationship is worth investing in. See how they handle disappointment, anger, and conflict. If they can’t navigate those moments in a healthy, respectful way, isn’t it better to know sooner rather than later?

Why It’s Worth It

This approach isn’t easy. It requires vulnerability and the courage to face potential disappointment head-on. But it’s worth it. By being honest about your emotions and giving your partner the space to do the same, you create a foundation of trust and authenticity. And if it turns out you’re not compatible? That’s valuable information, too. It’s better to know before you’ve invested years into something that wasn’t built to last.

Final Thoughts

Healthy relationships aren’t about avoiding conflict or disappointment; they’re about handling those moments with grace, honesty, and respect. So next time you’re tempted to hide your true feelings or avoid a difficult conversation, remember: letting someone “be an asshole” might just be the best thing you can do for your relationship.

Take the risk. Have the hard conversations. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it.